Isn’t it totally freaking awesome when everything works out perfectly for really, really rich people? I am going to sleep SO good tonight, knowing that nothing bad is ever going to happen to anyone on Entourage, ever. This series finale felt very familiar to me; I realized it sounds just like a story I would read to my children – IT’S A F*CKING FAIRY TALE.
Not even a good one, because in a fairy tale, the main character is usually virtuous, or at the very least has some redeeming qualities. I just gave up 35 minutes, and EIGHT YEARS of my life to get jerked off by what is no better than some Hollywood bit player’s wet dream. And, what makes me the angriest? Having to type these words: Jeremy Piven was the only good thing about this series finale episode.
I. Feel. Dirty.
I stated that the only way the introduction of the Sophia character would be remotely interesting would be if she was the “one woman on earth” that did not want to sleep with Vincent Chase (besides me, clearly). Well, guess who just nose-dived into pathetic cliche? Not only did she sleep with him; they are going to fly to Paris and get married. I hate everyone on this show.
Ari looks like legitimate shit, and that’s saying something when you see him standing next to Beverly D’Angelo. Do you guys remember when she was the hottest thing, like the original MILF? I do, because I’m over thirty and know what good movies used to look like. Anyway, having broken up with Dana Gordon, and facing the real possibility that his wife may be serious about Bobby “Blue Corn and Poblanos” Flay, Ari has become a zombie. When a bunch of pro-football coaches think you are a “fucking mess”, that is bad ju-ju my friend.
“Motivate my losers!” – Ari Gold
I think that it was pretty obvious that Ari’s wife wanted to back out of the divorce. She was so half-assed about talking to him, clearly affected by how very bad Ari looked. I could actually see ice melting around her as Ari agreed to all her requests, not even throwing in her face how busy he is at work or that he can’t be expected to see their therapist on zero notice. He is broken, and that’s what she needed to see.
Vince is trying to talk Eric out of ditching his career to follow Sloan to NYC to be with their baby. Why? He may be the worst agent in Hollywood. Even Bob Saget was unhappy with Eric’s representation, and I count Bob Saget as the creepiest, most desperate for attention person I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter at the Hollywood Improv. Just talking to that guy gives him a chub; Eric couldn’t keep him happy with the full Hollywood Agent knuckle-shuffle. I say, let Eric chase Sloan till she files the restraining order. He hasn’t worked in weeks. Scott Caan is tired of his bull-shit. Oh, and Vince, no one believes you when you tell them about the wedding, because it’s the stupidest thing anyone has ever heard since ears were invented.
And while we are on the subject of Sloan; why would she let Drama and Turtle into her house? If you hate your ex so much, please don’t act like you are still best buds with his idiot friends. They are the same dip-shits you had to endure and pretend to like the whole time you were dating Eric, and do not believe that you are cool with them interrupting your packing up to move with their plea to join the gang of a fun-filled wedding extravaganza to Paris. Just tell them to eat shit and slam the door. Because, that’s exactly what you’ve been telling Eric.
You like how Drama and Turtle help Eric continue to build this relationship on a lie? They swear Eric did not sleep with Sloan’s step-mother, only to have Eric, or Melinda, tell her the truth at any moment? Nice way to treat the unmarried pregnant chick about to move cross-country.
At therapy, Nora Dunn is trying to help the Golds figure out the best way to tell their children that their world is about the crumble. I’m distracted by the dress that Melissa is wearing, both because it is really weird, and because she has nice tits. Ari makes it clear that he does not want to divorce, and they both confess that they have broken up with their rebound relationships. Melissa puts it to Ari that she is not the only one that feels abandoned by Ari, that he should ask the kids if they feel the same. Seems like this could have come up before the extra-marital dating started, but I guess maybe Ari wasn’t “ready to hear it” until he’d completely broken down.
Rachel Zoe makes a cameo appearance to help Vince choose a wedding ring for his bride. I know this because I recently saw some episodes of the Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo. Otherwise, I’d be like every single non-gay dude watching Entourage tonight, going “Who the hell is the bony chick wearing a giant fur coat in LA when the weather hasn’t dropped below seventy-two degrees in five years?”. It was Rachel Zoe.
Against Eric’s wishes, per usual, Vince talks to Sloan’s father. Predictably he outed the pregnancy before Sloan had the chance to tell her father herself. And, furthered the lie that Eric did not sleep with Melinda. Then, he dropped $1.4MM on a ring he barely looked at. What an asshole.
I loved Ari’s conversation with his daughter. One of the only high points of this episode, Ari showed heart and vulnerability. He was honest and finally gave his daughter the attention and affection he didn’t realize he’d been withholding for who knows how long.
Blah blah blah, boring conversation while walking between Eric, Turtle and Drama, about Sloan. BLERGH. Vince joins and sheepishly admits that he has further ruined Eric and Sloan’s lives. “Shuck’s, guessin’ I shoulda stayed out, jus’ like you asked-ed me to Eric! Ain’t I pretty though??” If they were Vince’s friend’s, they’d have him tested.
Ari has a break-though – in an effort to make-good on his promise to his daughter, he tracks down the demo tape of opera singers Sarah had asked him to listen to months ago. Babs never stops talking, the music swells, and Ari sees the answer. The business isn’t important, Babs isn’t important, the money isn’t important. Ari gives it all up, selling out his shares to Babs and rushes home to fix his family. Of course, his wife has millions of dollars, so it’s less a “sacrifice” than a decision to spend it with the people he loves.
Again, Sloan can’t possibly really hate Eric, because she will listen to any song-and-dance that any friend of his wants to lay at her doorstep. Vince gives her the big “take him back” speech, and she falls for it, because NO WOMAN ON EARTH SHALL DENY VINCENT CHASE.
Ari delivers a grand gesture and the Golds are back in love. They are moving to Florence, and the opera singers found by Sarah serenade their reunion. Then, Lloyd shows up to have a hissy fit. Lloyd is blessed to take over Ari’s legacy at the agency, because he “is more cunning and cunty” than Barbara will ever be.
At the airport, the guys are ready to load up for Paris. Scott wants to know when Eric planned to tell him he was quitting their company. I assure him, an adorable chimp with some man-scaping will be able to do Eric’s job. Not to worry. The Golds show up to join them, and I can only assume their children are being watched by the struggling opera singer group and possibly Lloyd? As they all move to board the plane, Vince tells Eric that he is no longer welcome on the plane – because he bought him a different plane, complete with Sloan in a weird flowing dress, so they can work things out.
Basically, everything feels left a little “undone”, because they are going to try and milk a movie out of this turd. I’d read that Wahlberg wants to make a feature length Entourage, and judging by the post-credits scene with Ari and his wife relaxing, then Ari getting the phone call to take over as Chairman/CEO of a major Hollywood studio (working as Dana Gordon’s boss, no less), he clearly wants to take it. I think we’ll have this struggle, plus Drama’s TV/TV movie career success, Turtle’s new status as a millionaire, Baby Murphy, and the newlyweds all present and accounted for in “Entourage: The Movie”. As long as it doesn’t have that stupid, f’ing theme song…