Entourage – “The End”

“The End”

Isn’t it totally freaking awesome when everything works out perfectly for really, really rich people? I am going to sleep SO good tonight, knowing that nothing bad is ever going to happen to anyone on Entourage, ever. This series finale felt very familiar to me; I realized it sounds just like a story I would read to my children – IT’S A F*CKING FAIRY TALE.

Not even a good one, because in a fairy tale, the main character is usually virtuous, or at the very least has some redeeming qualities. I just gave up 35 minutes, and EIGHT YEARS of my life to get jerked off by what is no better than some Hollywood bit player’s wet dream. And, what makes me the angriest? Having to type these words: Jeremy Piven was the only good thing about this series finale episode.

I. Feel. Dirty.

I stated that the only way the introduction of the Sophia character would be remotely interesting would be if she was the “one woman on earth” that did not want to sleep with Vincent Chase (besides me, clearly). Well, guess who just nose-dived into pathetic cliche? Not only did she sleep with him; they are going to fly to Paris and get married. I hate everyone on this show.

Ari looks like legitimate shit, and that’s saying something when you see him standing next to Beverly D’Angelo. Do you guys remember when she was the hottest thing, like the original MILF? I do, because I’m over thirty and know what good movies used to look like. Anyway, having broken up with Dana Gordon, and facing the real possibility that his wife may be serious about Bobby “Blue Corn and Poblanos” Flay, Ari has become a zombie. When a bunch of pro-football coaches think you are a “fucking mess”, that is bad ju-ju my friend.

“Motivate my losers!” – Ari Gold

I think that it was pretty obvious that Ari’s wife wanted to back out of the divorce. She was so half-assed about talking to him, clearly affected by how very bad Ari looked. I could actually see ice melting around her as Ari agreed to all her requests, not even throwing in her face how busy he is at work or that he can’t be expected to see their therapist on zero notice. He is broken, and that’s what she needed to see.

Vince is trying to talk Eric out of ditching his career to follow Sloan to NYC to be with their baby. Why? He may be the worst agent in Hollywood. Even Bob Saget was unhappy with Eric’s representation, and I count Bob Saget as the creepiest, most desperate for attention person I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter at the Hollywood Improv. Just talking to that guy gives him a chub; Eric couldn’t keep him happy with the full Hollywood Agent knuckle-shuffle. I say, let Eric chase Sloan till she files the restraining order. He hasn’t worked in weeks. Scott Caan is tired of his bull-shit. Oh, and Vince, no one believes you when you tell them about the wedding, because it’s the stupidest thing anyone has ever heard since ears were invented.

And while we are on the subject of Sloan; why would she let Drama and Turtle into her house? If you hate your ex so much, please don’t act like you are still best buds with his idiot friends. They are the same dip-shits you had to endure and pretend to like the whole time you were dating Eric, and do not believe that you are cool with them interrupting your packing up to move with their plea to join the gang of a fun-filled wedding extravaganza to Paris. Just tell them to eat shit and slam the door. Because, that’s exactly what you’ve been telling Eric.

You like how Drama and Turtle help Eric continue to build this relationship on a lie? They swear Eric did not sleep with Sloan’s step-mother, only to have Eric, or Melinda, tell her the truth at any moment? Nice way to treat the unmarried pregnant chick about to move cross-country.

At therapy, Nora Dunn is trying to help the Golds figure out the best way to tell their children that their world is about the crumble. I’m distracted by the dress that Melissa is wearing, both because it is really weird, and because she has nice tits. Ari makes it clear that he does not want to divorce, and they both confess that they have broken up with their rebound relationships. Melissa puts it to Ari that she is not the only one that feels abandoned by Ari, that he should ask the kids if they feel the same. Seems like this could have come up before the extra-marital dating started, but I guess maybe Ari wasn’t “ready to hear it” until he’d completely broken down.

Rachel Zoe makes a cameo appearance to help Vince choose a wedding ring for his bride. I know this because I recently saw some episodes of the Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo. Otherwise, I’d be like every single non-gay dude watching Entourage tonight, going “Who the hell is the bony chick wearing a giant fur coat in LA when the weather hasn’t dropped below seventy-two degrees in five years?”. It was Rachel Zoe.

Against Eric’s wishes, per usual, Vince talks to Sloan’s father. Predictably he outed the pregnancy before Sloan had the chance to tell her father herself. And, furthered the lie that Eric did not sleep with Melinda. Then, he dropped $1.4MM on a ring he barely looked at. What an asshole.

I loved Ari’s conversation with his daughter. One of the only high points of this episode, Ari showed heart and vulnerability. He was honest and finally gave his daughter the attention and affection he didn’t realize he’d been withholding for who knows how long.

Blah blah blah, boring conversation while walking between Eric, Turtle and Drama, about Sloan. BLERGH. Vince joins and sheepishly admits that he has further ruined Eric and Sloan’s lives. “Shuck’s, guessin’ I shoulda stayed out, jus’ like you asked-ed me to Eric! Ain’t I pretty though??” If they were Vince’s friend’s, they’d have him tested.

Ari has a break-though – in an effort to make-good on his promise to his daughter, he tracks down the demo tape of opera singers Sarah had asked him to listen to months ago. Babs never stops talking, the music swells, and Ari sees the answer. The business isn’t important, Babs isn’t important, the money isn’t important. Ari gives it all up, selling out his shares to Babs and rushes home to fix his family. Of course, his wife has millions of dollars, so it’s less a “sacrifice” than a decision to spend it with the people he loves.

Again, Sloan can’t possibly really hate Eric, because she will listen to any song-and-dance that any friend of his wants to lay at her doorstep. Vince gives her the big “take him back” speech, and she falls for it, because NO WOMAN ON EARTH SHALL DENY VINCENT CHASE.

Ari delivers a grand gesture and the Golds are back in love. They are moving to Florence, and the opera singers found by Sarah serenade their reunion. Then, Lloyd shows up to have a hissy fit. Lloyd is blessed to take over Ari’s legacy at the agency, because he “is more cunning and cunty” than Barbara will ever be.

At the airport, the guys are ready to load up for Paris. Scott wants to know when Eric planned to tell him he was quitting their company. I assure him, an adorable chimp with some man-scaping will be able to do Eric’s job. Not to worry. The Golds show up to join them, and I can only assume their children are being watched by the struggling opera singer group and possibly Lloyd? As they all move to board the plane, Vince tells Eric that he is no longer welcome on the plane – because he bought him a different plane, complete with  Sloan in a weird flowing dress, so they can work things out.

Basically, everything feels left a little “undone”, because they are going to try and milk a movie out of this turd. I’d read that Wahlberg wants to make a feature length Entourage, and judging by the post-credits scene with Ari and his wife relaxing, then Ari getting the phone call to take over as Chairman/CEO of a major Hollywood studio (working as Dana Gordon’s boss, no less), he clearly wants to take it. I think we’ll have this struggle, plus Drama’s TV/TV movie career success, Turtle’s new status as a millionaire, Baby Murphy, and the newlyweds all present and accounted for in “Entourage: The Movie”. As long as it doesn’t have that stupid, f’ing theme song…


Entourage – “Second to Last”

“Second to Last”

I have very little nice to say about this episode of Entourage, mostly because I am so pissed at myself for watching it for eight seasons. Seriously – EVERY THING WORKS OUT FOR ALL OF THEM, ALL THE TIME! How stupid are we, as an audience, to expect that anything realistic might happen to these enchanted band of morons. I am filled with bile. Here we go:

In an unprecedented show of sexual offender behavior, Vince is producing a movie that consists of nothing but a series of interviews with women he has slept with, saying how lovely it was to have meaningless sex with him. He is making it to convince Sophia that she should want to sleep with him. Does any one else see the flaws in this logic? It isn’t like 1-800-DENTIST; a woman shouldn’t want to have sex with you because you have a thousand satisfied customers. That shows *me* that you probably have at least one untreated STD. And maybe a few illegitimate children. And, Turtle is editing it in iMovie – if this guy spent half the time trying to get himself laid that he is spending trying to get Vince laid, he certainly wouldn’t have time to edit gross sexual predator movies on iMovie.

Vince trying to convince everyone that his miners movie should be the most important thing in everyone’s life, while he is focusing solely on unsavory courtship rituals, is laughable. Drama has gotten Johnny Bananas back, but at a huge loss of political capital with Phil Yagoda and the network – but he should keep pushing for the TV movie to be made at CBS with Phil producing. Ari’s marriage is in shambles, and his company’s success rests on the amicable resolution of his divorce – but he should have dropped everything to read Vinny’s script and put pressure on the network. The only person who should be working on this mess in Eric, but he is strictly working on mooning over Sloan while screwing her ex-stepmother. Because he’s a dumb ass.

Ari and Dana show us yet again that they make an excellent, Hollywood power couple. It’s never gonna work out…

How bad are you at your job when a guy like Scott Levin is telling you that you are f*cking up? Pretty f*cking bad. Now, he wants to fire a client (Johnny Galecki) because he MIGHT be sleeping with Eric’s EX-girlfriend. Guess overthrowing Murray wasn’t the answer Scotty was looking for – maybe he should have just gone to work for another agency where he could float along and not be responsible for anything.

The gross Don Pepe’s couple from Queens are the worst kind of star-f*ckers, and they have Turtle bent over. They are playing hardball, messing with Turtle’s business plan and demanding 50% of the profits for the use of the name. Turtle sucks as an entrepreneur. I wouldn’t invest in a road trip to Tijuana with Turtle. He’d get us all arrested, and then set the car on fire.

As creeped out as Sophia is by Vince, she doesn’t seem nearly creeped out enough by his friends. Drama dropping of the movie of Vince’s conquests should have sealed the deal on the restraining order. She’s wavering, and my opinion of her is plummeting.

There is no way in hell that Vince’s idea for the miner’s movie, penned by Billy Walsh, starring Johnny Chase, is anywhere close to being worth the trouble it’s causing to get made. I just do not believe that so many unbreakable absolutes could be put on a project and that everyone will just bend over backwards to accommodate!

Thank goodness that all these celebrity athlete investors don’t feel the same way about Turtle asking for more money – some people are awfully generous with other people’s cash!

Eric is in the nastiest revenge relationship I’ve seen, and I have to say, this is a pattern of his. He has a history of breaking up with a girl and obsessing over her while making irreversible decisions that show how little he really respects or cares for them – remember how long it took him to break up with Kristen? His Sloan-Melinda triangle is gross on a Greek tragedy level; he’s probably disappointed that Sloan doesn’t have a younger sister or maybe a college age niece he can revenge-f*ck to show her how much he loves her.

Ari and Vince are bullies, and Phil Yagoda needs better security in his office – are there any assistants in Hollywood strong enough to fend off Vincent Chase?? I would have had his ass bounced to the curb when I was an assistant in LA! But, when force doesn’t work, they buy their way out of trouble, and get the movie made, with all the specifications as demanded by Vince. Must be nice to always get your way…

Doesn’t look that way for Turtle. Not only is he getting shut out by all his investors for more money, but he has to find out from A-Rod that Avion went public, losing him millions of dollars he would have made if he hadn’t sold his stock to invest in his Don Pepe’s plan. Poor Turtle, so sad…

I used to eat at the Farmer’s Market a lot when I lived in West Hollywood, and nothing as cool as an actor vs. manager showdown ever happened in the food court! I once saw Tim Meadows taking some kids for ice cream. That was about it. I also never saw so many nicely dressed people – where are all the tourist families in matching t-shirts, with their filthy screaming children?? Or the smoking asian women on break from the chinese food stand?


Dana and Ari break up, because as I predicted weeks ago, he actually does love his wife, so he’s going to have to figure out how to get her back. As much as I like them together, I think that they both did a great job in this break up, showing that while they may be good for each other, they appreciate the little time they had together.
Turtle convinces Sophia that she should want to date Vince because he is generous to his friends and their families. I’m sure Hitler got his mom a lovely house to live in when he was dictator – I just cannot believe that they turned this character around on a dime! She forgot completely that she had legitimate reasons for not caring to date this guy, and she has tossed them to the wind because of a little persistence and some word of mouth from the guys who have been mooching off of him for years – THEY ARE PAID TO SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT HIM!

Speaking of which, don’t feel too badly for Turtle. Vince not only decided not to sell his stock in Avion (upon advice from Mark Cuban, the owner of the weirdest teeth/smile I’ve seen), but he also bough Turtle’s shares for him, and is handing him $4MM, for nothing. Of course he did. Look, Entourage guys – you cannot convince me to like this guy – he is a soulless, vapid creep who has to be generous with his friends to make up with all the bullshit they have to put up with from him.

Sloan and Eric have another fight. Stop killing this relationship – it’s already dead! Eric really thinks that he can just apologize for sleeping with Melinda, and ruining her godfather’s business, and insulting her father – and calling her a slut in front of a lot of people – and tell her he loves her, and it will all be okay. I think you can see how emotionally immature these characters really are in moments like this. Because no grown up adult person would ever think like that. Just for fun, the Entourage writes decided to put a little gasoline on the fire. Sloan is pregnant, and it is Eric’s, and she is taking their fetus and moving to NYC. SO THERE!

Well, it’s pretty obvious to me what the final episode is going to be like. Johnny Bananas is a hit, as is Drama’s TV movie, catapulting him to the level of stardom he has always wanted. Vince gets critical recognition for his idea, and gets back to the business of being a movie star. Turtle opens his restaurant and it’s a huge success. Ari and the Mrs. work it out and he figures out how to balance work and home better. And, Eric says goodbye to the gang to return to NYC, from whence they all came, to fight for his child and the woman he loves. I can only hope that they pull a “Six Feet Under” and I get to see how they all die. Because, after all this improbable joy and sunshine being shined up their asses, I sure would like to see them all getting their just desserts at some point in life.


Entourage – “The Big Bang”

“The Big Bang”

Are these morons completely incapable of keeping anything to themselves? Why, on God’s Green Earth, would Eric tell the idiot clan about sleeping with Sloan’s ex-stepmother/his new client? Just live in shame and secrets and keep your mouth shut! I guess because, to them, it’s more interesting than the panty-ping pong ball-tournament going on in front of them. Goes to show how desensitized a person gets with they are inundated with excesses.

They bust in on Vince’s photo shoot, and Shauna finally asks the question that I’ve been screaming at my TV since this show started – “Do you really need the cheerleading squad?”. How these people have nothing else to do in a day astounds me. Well, Drama is on strike, so he’s got nothing better to do, I guess. And, Turtle is terminally unemployed, so he’s good for a ride-along. Eric, the only one with maybe a legit reason to tag along should probably be putting in some face time at the old management agency while it still exists, because being a “step-mother-fucker” could potentially end that venture ASAFP.

Shauna needs to start brandishing weapons. There is no way in hell that Vince pays her enough to put up with this posse of his. Every decision Vince makes is another pile of dook she’s going to have to clean up in the press, on any given day. And, this Vanity Fair article that he’s shooting the photos for is promising to be the biggest turd storm yet. Waiting with baited breath to see if Sophia outright calls him a sexual predator, or just sticks to the junkie with Daddy abandonment issues…

I remember that Mrs. Ari was wealthy in her own accord, but this little meeting with Ari’s lawyer (Rob Morrow) clues us into the reality: she is entitled to half his earnings for life, and the money she invested in his business to the tune of $11 MILLION is going to have to be paid back, possibly by Ari selling her his portion of the agency. So, now I am thinking that he is not going to get to have the happy ending with Dana Gordon. Instead, I am thinking that Ari is up to his ass in alligators, and will have to figure out what is going to make Mrs. Ari happy enough to call off this divorce.

It turns out Eric does need to be at the office, because he is simultaneously f’ing up his personal life and his business reputation, all for what had to have been a mediocre lay at best. Drama is also dealing with the bad decision boning he is giving…to Billy Walsh. Dressed delightfully as a pirate for one of his five kids birthday parties, Walsh is tripping smooth out because no one is getting paid as long as Drama and Dice are on strike. Guess everyone  in Hollywood doesn’t have a super rich and famous little brother to fall back on while in between jobs.

Turtle goes to LAX to pick up the most stereotypical characters this show has seen yet. I love when Drama and Vince’s mom is on the show, because Mercedes Ruehl is a joy to watch; but every other character from the “old neighborhood” that comes on this show is embarrassingly overdrawn. Remember the buddy Dom, that got out of prison and came to freaking live with them?? Dom almost made me stop watching that season. He might have done me a favor. There is no way that Turtle is going to be able to create a Hollywood restaurant that will be successful, and still be able to keep the Don Pepe’s people from thinking that he’s selling out their family business.

So, I’m going to quote the portion of this Vanity Fair article that Vince takes issue with, then I will continue my homicidal rant:

“an insecure womanizer, who’s game is to feign respect for women in order to get them into bed.”

I don’t think that Vince was worrying about what his mother thought of him when he was banging strange women two at a time while a party raged outside the door, or while he was doing blow off a porn star. It seems the spade doesn’t like being called a spade; and if Shauna were half the friend/colleague Eric usually is, she wouldn’t have lied to his face about whether she felt it was an accurate statement. Who wants a client that tells you to turn down the cover of Vanity Fair because he doesn’t want the world to know he’s a pussy-hound? Hello??

Yet another person in his life is trying to convince Drama that he is making a bad decision. Lloyd probably gets very uncomfortable being in a gym filled with average looking breeders, so you know he means business. THEY ORDERED EXTRA EPISODES OF MIKE AND MOLLY, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

Elsewhere in the land of bad decisions, Eric is having a face-to-face with Melinda, to discuss the terms of his prostitution. She gets a JJ Abrams series and buys him a car; he must be a little powerhouse in the bedroom. Johnny Galecki shows up in another episode, and I’m starting to think that no one over 5’6” is even allowed to be on Entourage unless they are a mega-star playing themselves. Note to Eric – Don’t screw Galecki, he already has a series.

“I can’t believe I didn’t fuck you good enough to make you forget about her.” – Melinda

While Turtle is dealing with the star-struck Don Pepe couple (See, David Spade – under 5’6”!), Vince continues to stalk Sophia. If I were her, I’d probably fire that assistant. She works for once of the most renowned magazines still in print, and she’s letting one little movie star break confidential information. I don’t have much faith, but I hope that she really isn’t interested in Vince and continues to not be fooled by his charm. If she falls for him in the end, I will consider all the hours I have invested in this show over eight seasons to be a complete waste.

Watching Bobby Flay food-seduce Mrs Ari made vomit rise in my throat. How can she take him seriously with that bald spot? At least the Piven has gotten some quality plugs. Ari is making a huge misstep assuming that his wife even cares about him anymore. I could be wrong, but she may actually want to raise her kids, and date the King of Blue Corn tortillas and spend Ari’s money instead of her own. Thanks to “Grill Master”, we now know Mrs. Ari’s name, never before mentioned in the entire series, as far as I know. Melissa…it’s as a big a let down as Mr. Big’s name being John (Sex and the City).

My goodness, I love William Fichtner. Everything he does on this show makes it easier to watch. After some intense hardball, Drama holds his ground, and Johnny Bananas is saved, with Dice and Drama getting their demands met. I figured as much. Which is how I know that Vince is going to bag the reporter, and Ari and his wife are going to reconciles. Because, nothing truly bad ever happens to these people.

But they do want us to believe that it might. Does Vince have nothing but shallow and meaningless relationships with women? Will Turtle open his restaurant? Why does Eric care if Sloan has the worst taste in tiny little man actors? All this and more, next week…


Entourage – “Motherf*cker”


I had to MAKE myself watch this episode, that’s how certain I was that it would suck. Not just because I can no longer muster half a sh*t about any scene with Vincent Chase in it; not just because Jamie Kennedy in on AGAIN. But, because it is so clear to me that no one writing this show give a damn about whether or not we, the viewers, think it’s good anymore. They obviously don’t, and I guess this opinion is the one thing we all agree on.

Hey, Entourage: Aaron Sorkin called. He wants his thing where “the whole scene consists of people walking around and talking to each other fast” back. Shauna, and for no real reason, Turtle, are chaperoning Vince on an interview with Vanity Fair. The ever ambivalent Vince is unconcerned about the possibility that anything could go wrong, and Turtle wants him to casually mention the NYC restaurant deal he’s working Vince for. Shauna’s head is going to explode, because like the rest of us, she remembers that Vince is (a) recently out of drug rehab, (b) was just a witness at a drug-fueled suicide of a Hollywood producer, and (c) just defrauded law enforcement with a fake dong during a drug test. Of course, the only thing she lectures them about is that Turtle is an idiot for mentioning the restaurant, with a backhanded insult about Vince’s pretty eyes. Enabling…

After getting eye-f*cked by the hostess, Vince is instantly attracted to the interviewer Sophia. I don’t know why Turtle was allowed to walk this far into the restaurant with them. He’s the driver, right? Sit in the car and roll a joint, Stupid. Don’t walk up to the Vanity Fair writer and introduce yourself and your business plan with that moronic grin on your face. NO publicist in LA would have let that nonsense happen, I guarantee.

Drama is pissing in the wind, still fighting this Dice battle with anyone. Once again, Eric is bringing the smarts, telling Drama to simply “do your job, and do it well”. Of course, in the next breath he is as dumb as the rest of them, because he is going to take a meeting with his ex-fiance’s ex-stepmother. As if that weren’t bad enough, this woman is also the ex-wife of Terrence, Ari’s former super-scary power-player boss. And all this, on top of the fact that he and Scott overthrew Sloan’s godfather Murray to start their business, I’d say that Eric has less than a snowball’s chance in hell of EVER getting back with Sloan. Not that it’s what he’d want to do, but DAMN, way to make yourself the bad guy!

Missing only her Wicked Witch of the East broom, Mrs. Ari swoops into the office with her sour-faced winged monkey children, bitching about how their father wants to take them to Disneyland. THAT BASTARD! It is so hard to feel sorry for this woman! She started banging Bobby Flay (barfing in my mouth right now), gets mad at him for sleeping with Dana Gordon, and thinks it’s okay to have temper tantrums in his office, in front of his partner, employees and their children. I’d say she’s not winning the Best Example award in the Mother of the Year contest. If I was Ari’s kid, though, I’d be pissed to take a back seat to Taylor Lautner; Ryan Reynolds, maybe. Anyone from the cast of Twilight, and it’s clear to me that you don’t love me. Dana and Ari are not convincing as adversaries. Even when they fight, you can see that Ari doesn’t do the smooth guy thing he always tried to pull of with his wife. So, I don’t think they are going to stay apart for long.

Ari’s son gets best line of the night:

“Guess who’s coming to the office? Taylor Lautner.” – Ari

“Ewww” – Jonah

My sentiments exactly, kiddo…

Back at the Vanity Fair interview, Sophia is asking the hard-hitting questions about addiction. Vince lobs back a plug for Don Pepe’s. We are reminded once again that he should not be speaking outside of scripted lines. This Sophia chick seems to not have sampled the Vincent Chase kool-aid. She is immune, even annoyed, by his constant come-ons, and will not be flirted off track from getting real answers. Vince is gross, and it’s about time we saw someone get offended by his behavior. You cannot be a boner to every woman in the room and expect them all to hop on board. Interview comes to a screeching halt.

Good for Shauna, tearing him a new asshole about those responses. He was the worst kind of talking head, and I am hoping this interview is a whopper. I am sort of surprised she didn’t jump in sooner. He’s going to dig himself deeper into this hole, and it’s going to be her job to dig him out.

I refuse to comment on the Jamie Kennedy impersonation of Andrew Dice Clay, and his commentary on Drama’s acting/delivery. Because I hate him. And you should too.

Couple of quick but good scenes: Ari and Dana can’t figure out how to separate their messy personal relationship from their business; and Scott convinces Eric that he can’t let Sloan impact his decision to sign a client, even if it’s her former stepmother. Both scenes had one really good thing in common. Everyone was honest and said what the character’s needed to hear. Not the same can be said for the next scene…

Turtle is googling the Vanity Fair reporter for Vince. Gross. Vince calls Sophia against Shauna’s insistence not too. Why is it that this guy cannot see that she IS NOT INTERESTED. How creepy is this guy, that the one woman who isn’t interested in him sexually, he becomes obsessed within an afternoon. Very telling.

Drama goes to Dice to offer him part of his salary to get him to come back to work. I’m married to a stand-up comedian, and I felt for Dice when he said “I’m gonna have to go on the road seven night’s a week, just to pay for school”. Dice has been a lot of huffing and puffing so far this season, but his point is becoming clearer. I think it may actually all work out for the Johnny Bananas gang after all.

“I know what I’m supposed to get, and I know who’s supposed to give it to me. And, I will not accept not getting it.” – Dice

Eric has drinks and a wildly inappropriate conversation with his new client Melinda, and Ari gets the red-ass from the wife again. I think that Ari handled a disappointing day the best way he could with the kids. He said all the right things to Mrs. Ari, including multiple apologies, but none of it matters. This broad has been wanting a divorce for about two or three seasons, and she finally got the rope she needed to hang Ari, in Dana Gordon.

Drama makes another impassioned plea to Phil about fighting the network and getting Dice back. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but Phil appeals to Drama’s very healthy ego, and tells him that the Network wants to tailor the show around Drama, and Dice’s character is inconsequential. Drama calls his bluff and walks, and after Dice’s scene earlier, I think he made the right decision. Hardball might work, and standing together makes a major statement. Could be a career-making move for Drama.

Round Two of the most awkward interview ever. Sophia did not let up for a moment on any questions, and Vince persisted in asking her out. For the first time ever, someone doesn’t want to sleep with Vincent Chase, and his embryonic psyche interprets that as love. I swear in this review, if this woman gives in and sleeps with him, I become so furiously enraged, I may kick out my television, Elvis style.

Eric and Melinda are getting drunker and drunker, smack-talking Sloan and Terrence. Then, talk gets sexy. meanwhile, a very drunk Ari gets a booty call from Dana. Two ill-advised hook ups ensue, but for different reasons. Eric and Melinda have a shallow, vengeful screw, strictly intending to hurt others. Dana and Ari at least have a chance at a real relationship, wants he gets out from underneath what could end up being one of the great television divorces in history. Three more episodes left…

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Entourage – “Whiz Kid”

“Whiz Kid”

Aren’t suicide and parole violations hilarious?  I generally write my reviews as I watch a program, so I respond to the moments as they happen, rather than have the beginning be influenced by knowing the end of the episode. Last night, however, I didn’t have that option, so I am just angry about the whole thing.

We find ourselves outside the home of the now-deceased Carl Ertz. How crappy are the cops in Los Angeles, that SO MANY civilians are just hanging out at their crime scene. Obviously, Turtle and Vince have to be there, being the only witnesses to the suicide. And, I can see either Eric OR Scott being allowed on scene to “represent” Vince. But both, AND his brother? This is bordering on ridiculous. Even more ridiculous; when the media frenzy shows up, Drama is more worried about his hair than the fact that a person’s brains are painting a wall yards away from where they stand. A PERSON IS DEAD, ENTOURAGE ASSHOLES! I guess because he was a drug-addict and a scummy producer-type, we don’t have to mourn him too long…there, done. RIP Carl Ertz. We hardly knew you.

Turns out, it was a good idea for Drama to be there, because he immediately got paranoid and instructed them not to say anything until the lawyer got there. Not that anyone would suspect foul play in the suicide, but rather that two of the three people involved are recovering drug addicts, and Turtle smells like a Phish concert. Drugs are involved, so Eric agrees that a lawyer is needed and Scott brings up my best friend Shauna (Debi Mazar) to “get ahead of this thing”. Boys are working overtime today. Hey, where’s Ari…

OH RIGHT, he’s putting the last nail in the coffin of his marriage. Under normal circumstances, I would be really supportive of this arrangement. Dana Gordon is a better fit for Ari than his wife. She understands the nature of his business, they have sexual chemistry, and while there is the matter of them working together/conflicts of interest, and the slightly unhealthy competitive thing they have going, Ari seemed genuinely happy in this scene. B-U-T, we are being fed the idea that the Golds want to work things out, are in couples therapy, and there are children involved. And, Dana is a knee-jerk response to the Mrs. dating Bobby Flay (I truly hate Bobby Flay, independently of his part on this show. He’s a douche).

That aside, I really loved the post-coital pissing contest about who is a bigger player in Hollywood, complete with betting on who has more missed calls and emails. The wagering with their clients deal points was less than ethical, and certainly tongue-in-cheek, but it shows that Dana is a better partner for Ari. In spite of it being shiny and new, I think there is a potential for a more even playing field in this “relationship” because she won’t want all of Ari’s time, and he won’t need to “take care of her” financially.

I’d like to see Vincent Chase’s IMDB page, because I cannot for the life of me figure out why he would garner such a frenzied crowd of fans with signs at the police station. Who is he supposed to “be” in real life? Surely, he is not a Brad Pitt level star, but I don’t see a Jake Gyllenhaal type being mobbed like that in the middle of the day at a police station. No offense to Jake; I think he is smoking hot and like most of his movies. I just don’t understand where Vince Chase fits into Hollywood Royalty.

Thank the Heavens, Debi Mazar is back! I have missed the straight-shooting, foul-mouthed publicist so much. She has a way of coddling Vince without giving him his way, and minimizes the “entourage” down to what they really are – Vince’s idiot childhood friends. When she tells the paparazzi to “Get that f*cking camera outta my face, you prick”, I felt like I was home again.

Shauna with Ari is always a joy to watch. She tears down the great Ari Gold without breaking a sweat, and shows how good a publicist she really is, already knowing every detail of Ari’s personal troubles, and confirming that everyone else in Hollywood knows too.

Rob Morrow (Numb3rs) returns in a small role as Vince’s attorney, confirming that because there were drugs at the scene, Vince’s parole officer will be wanting a drug test. Vince is a better actor than I give him credit for, because he was able to convince his lawyer, in a police station, that there would be nothing to worry about. This turns out not to be the case, because Vince may not pass a drug test. And, his egotistical mind, this is all somehow Eric’s fault. Vince feels that Eric is a “nagging mom”, always telling him what he’s done wrong. Guess what, moron – you are a f*ck up! Eric is not shining a light on a couple of minor mistakes – he’s mopping up after major character flaws and minor felonies.

Vince – “Say it. Say I told you so.”

Eric – “I didn’t tell you anything, because I didn’t know you were fucking going there, because you didn’t fucking tell me. Now what the fuck are we talking about?”

If I was this guys friend, I’d be gone. If I was his manager, I’d walk. Money is nice, but how big of an ulcer can one guy give you before enough is enough. He’s telling Eric that he “needed” to smoke a joint, to prove that he’s not a drug addict. It was a science experiment, designed to prove all the therapists and judges and cops wrong – Vince isn’t a drug addict; he can smoke a joint without losing control! Oh, wait, I have to take random drug tests – that’s not fair, I’m not a drug addict! See – watch me do all this coke off a hooker’s ass!

The vastly under-used Nora Dunn returns as the Gold’s therapist. Ari is late (again) to couple’s therapy because his wife didn’t get the message to push back therapy. Mrs. Gold is no longer playing games. This marriage is done, someone just needs to tell Ari. Money is being flushed down the toilet trying to fix something unfixable. Work out the alimony and child support, and let her become Mrs. Flay. Enjoy a life of nothing but blue corn and habaneros. Bon appetite!

Per usual, everyone drops their plans to clean up after Vince. I hope that Eric and Scott have zero clients besides Vince, or have a hundred employees better at their jobs than Murphy/Levin, because this whole day is shot. No one is getting an audition today; you hear that Johnny Galecki? No movies for you today!

We are treated to a how-to lesson on eliminating illegal substances from your system, and the disturbing knowledge that Drama “can naturally secrete any substance from his body in thirty-six hours or less”. And, he took steroids for wrestling try-outs. And he didn’t make the team. Genius. They all get to enjoy some vinegar concoction to flush out Vince’s system, since his piss is turning all the tests purple. Doesn’t matter, the test will be tonight. He has four hours to figure out how to commit fraud. We need Billy Walsh!

I’m sort of surprised that Billy was willing to help him fake this piss test. Billy seems to take his sobriety seriously, and understands the behaviors that put that sobriety at risk. I guess, like everyone else, he doesn’t want to risk losing his business interests with Vince by forcing him to actually be accountable for his behavior. At least he doesn’t feel right about doing it.

Because he’s a giant grown up, Ari takes Dana to Bobby Flay’s restaurant on a date. Bobby Flay’s got balls trying to get in anyone’s face. He deserves a Shiitake mushroom up his ass.  Dana is getting wise to the situation; this will not end well…

*My favorite part of this episode:

Billy Walsh – “It’s not real, so scratching’s not gonna help your problem!”

Just like the crime scene, apparently drug tests at the police station are an Open House. The gang’s all here to watch Vince pee in a cup! Vince confesses that Billy has fitted him with a fake penis, loaded with clean urine, so he can pass his drug test. We are now in the stratosphere of stretching reality at this point. Eric says it all: “It’s either gonna show up, or it’s not gonna show up. Ok, it’s weed! The judge is cool, but no judge is gonna be cool with THAT!”. This is an actual crime, being committed with intent and premeditation. It’s a good thing that celebrities never actually have to pay for their crimes!

Ari now has two irate brunettes screaming obscenities at him in public. Dana doesn’t take kindly to being paraded in front of Mrs. Gold’s new boyfriend, and predictably, Mrs. Gold doesn’t appreciate Ari messing around with a woman who has been an issue in their marriage before. Ari has confirmed in his wife’s mind that she was right to be suspicious of his relationship with Dana Gordon all these years, even he never actually cheated on his wife when they were together. The desire was always there, waiting in the wings.

“I guess the Bro-Code is out the window when you’re fucking someone’s wife.”

The boys return to their fancy-pants hotel to await the results of Vince’s drug test. They bring Ari up to speed on the possibility of failing the test, and Ari reminds them all that he has a major studio movie on his schedule, which he will lose if he fails the test. Don’t worry, Ari, you can just sweet talk Dana Gordon, right? We can fix everything, no matter how much or how often Vince screws up! It’s all okay though, because he passes the drug test. Thank goodness he doesn’t have to pay for his crimes. Cops and lawyers and drug rehabs are so stupid, if idiots like these can foil them in an afternoon with a fake penis. Let’s celebrate with a little game of Toss the Fake Penis! Crime is hilarious!

Dexter: Season 5 (DVD)

Starring: Michael C. Hall
Rating: Unrated

The Showtime Original Series Dexter™ is back with an all-new season, and this time America's favorite serial killer has gone from freewheeling bachelor to responsible husband and doting dad. Maintaining an average-guy facade while satisfying his need to kill has never been easy. But now, with wife and kids in tow, Dexter's got more to lose then ever, as he gets drawn into a deadly game with a killer every bit as dangerous — and conflicted — as he is.
List Price: $29.99 USD
New From: $9.16 USD In Stock
Used from: $5.23 USD In Stock


Entourage – “One Last Shot”

“One Last Shot”

Hi, my name is Sara, and I can’t wait until Debi Mazar is back on this show. I know she will be at some point, because I follow her on Twitter and she was tweeting from the set. She isn’t the best actor, but at least when she calls Drama and Turtle losers, it feels authentic.

Vince is in a Narcotics ANONYMOUS meeting, and we have dropped all pretense of anonymity. He’s actually shopping a script to his NarcAnon meeting. Clearly, everyone in a Malibu program meeting knows who Vincent Chase, Movie Star, is. But could he at least pretend to talk about his addiction and recovery? I guess when your rock bottom is doing a bunch of blow off a stripper’s ass and making a blockbuster movie, you really don’t have much in common with the girl who “blew her brother for an eight ball”.

I don’t remember this producer guy who “f’ed them over on Danger Beach”, or Danger Beach for that matter, but I do love Kim Coates from “Sons of Anarchy”.  Turtle isn’t in the program, so his bullsh*t meter is still working. I *suspect* that this guy isn’t going to work out too well with Vince’s latest project. Two drug addicts making a TV movie about miners SOUNDS like a TV movie.

“Big Brother contestants get paid more” than Dice does to be on Drama’s show. That is fantastic, because I watch Big Brother, so I know how pitiful that is. Tonight, those people drank liverwurst and sauerkraut smoothies for a chance to not eat oatmeal for a week. So, yeah, Dice probably has a pretty bad contract. I don’t even think Kevin Dillon should comparing the actual show he’s on (Entourage) to The Simpson’s, much less his fictional show (Johnny Bananas). And, Dice is lucky to get a guest role on either show. Seriously, doesn’t the Comedy Store miss you hanging out in their parking lot, Dice?

Clearly, Eric is a better manager than Scotty. No representation worth a dime should ever, EVER tell you it’s a good idea to not show up at work to create leverage. In Hollywood, you can ALWAYS be replaced. Right, Charlie Sheen? Never mind that they represent both lead actors in this thing; they are jeopardizing Drama’s career for Dice’s before the show even airs.

Meanwhile, in bad agent-land, Ari actually showed up to work today, to have a meeting with Vince that consisted of blowing sunshine up Vince’s ass (Vince is the “good” kind of addict) while agreeing with Turtle and Eric that working with Carl Erntz again is a big mistake. I don’t know why anyone is surprised that Vince isn’t listening to every single person in his life. I remember this storyline, when it was about Queens Blvd…and Medellin…

I think I see a real opportunity for a major network crossover event: Entourage and Millionaire Matchmaker. Eric is pretty much done, I’m guessing, with Sloan since she is moving to NYC. Ari has to resort to Lloyd setting him up on a blind date with someone’s daughter who is clearly way way way too young to be dating Ari, and Turtle gets simultaneously fired and dumped by his Avion Tequila boss. I felt a little bad for Turtle. He worked his ass off, partying for those Avion people, made his hot girlfriend a famous spokesmodel, and brought Mark Cuban to the table, and now none of them want anything to do with him. I’d say, if you can giveth based on Vince’s fame, maybe you can taketh away, at least a little bit?

Drama’s contract negotiations go just about as well as anyone would imagine. I just can’t believe that Murphy/Levin would risk any political capitol based on the suggestion of Johnny Chase and Andrew Dice Clay. Hope they didn’t want any of their other clients to work for CBS! I’m kind of shocked they have any clients getting work, based on that meeting. Hollywood Lesson for the Day: You don’t get a raise because you test well. Especially when almost every job you’ve ever gotten has been because of who you are related to. Right, Charlie Murphy?

Is anyone else pissed off by the psychotically awesome hotel room these idiots are living in, after they burned down their insanely awesome house, and they are STILL complaining about everything. “Ugh, my baby seal skin wallet won’t hold all my hundreds, and my jeweled shoes pinch my toes!” Get over yourselves, assholes, nobody likes a rich dude on the rag.

Turtle has the best idea he’s ever had; sell his stock in the tequila company that screwed him over and franchise a New York restaurant he loves in a big money market like LA, with NYC celebrity endorsement.  And get his superstar buddy to be the first investor. Turtle may not know a lot, but he knows star-f*cking and NYC food. I think it will be a huge success.

Here’s the only real thing I can put into words after the intense rage I felt watching the scene at Dice’s house – The “nutsack” Scott was sitting at the bottom of when Dice was making movies belonged to JAMES F-ING CAAN! I know, I know, not in the Entourage universe, but still – Sonny Corleone beats the guy who played the bouncer in Pretty In Pink, every time. Dice was sweet with his son, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was filmed in his actual house. Dice is exactly the same as Pauly Shore, except Pauly’s mom made enough money for him to have a house in the hills.

Ari hasn’t used a condom since right around the time his date was born. I hope he feels as gross about that as I do. She sleeps with strangers on the first date, she has a roommate that’s a dude with a creepy mustache, and she wants him to “do” her quietly so  creepy mustache doesn’t hear them. OK, maybe Ari needs to date someone his own age. Like his wife does… OK, not Dana Gordon. Jesus Christ, this is going to go poorly…

Do you know what Jamie Kennedy doing a bad impression of Andrew Dice Clay is? My worst freaking nightmare. Moving on…

I do hope that Ari doesn’t actually want to get back together with his wife. Because having sex with Dana Gordon pretty much guarantees that that will never ever happen. Also, once again, while Ari isn’t at work, everything is going to hell in a hand basket.

I had read that on this final season, someone was going to die. A lot of people thought that it would be Turtle, because the real “Turtle” died. But, naturally, they wouldn’t kill a major character on a fluffy, half-hour comedy. Not even a secondary character (my money was on Billy Walsh, sadly). Instead, they chicken out and bring a disposable character on for one episode and have him coke up and blow his brains out while Vince and Turtle are trying to talk him down. So that Vince can see what real addiction looks like, and make this tragedy about him, like everything thing else in the world. Buckle up, everybody, I think we are in for a lot of tortured Vince angst from here on out!


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